There once was a plan: Eat, Pray Love

This story of personal journey

Does not make all that great a movie

There's some great food porn

Overall I'm torn

On whether this flick's worth your rupees.

Full disclosure: Julia Roberts stayed at one of our honeymoon hotels in Bali while shooting the "love" part, so I entered the theater with more than your average amount of goodwill for the film.

Fuller disclosure: I still didn't love the movie.

It's based on the autobiographical book by Liz Gilbert, a woman who loses herself in a marriage and sets out to visit three different destinations (Italy, India and Bali) to find herself again. Along the way, she befriends a spunky younger woman and is mentored by a wise older man... three times in a row.

Eat Pray Love is sumptuously shot, generally well-acted and has some powerful moments, but the whole is somehow less than the sum of its parts. Each section feels like a start-to-finish mini-movie, which is a little jarring when you're charting a yearlong journey of self-discovery. After "Eating" her way through Italy, where she meets fabulous friends, devours amazing food, and self-actualizes about her body image, it's odd that when she arrives in India, it feels as if none of it has happened – Liz is back to the morose and withdrawn mess she was when she started.

On top of that, the movie absolutely grinds to a halt in "Pray." Second act problems aren't unique for films, but when forty minutes of your movie revolves around someone psyching themselves up to meditate, you're in serious trouble. Things pick up a bit in Bali, although that's basically because the movie morphs into a fairly traditional romance. A couple of complications ensue, but the ending is nothing that you won't see coming.

Eat Pray Love... Watch? I'm gonna say cable. Netflix if you're invested in the book. It's certainly enjoyable, but also not memorable.

There once was a spy they called Salt

While mostly a silent avenger

This Salt is a spy to remember

The crowds should be rushin'

To this sexy Russian

Too bad the critics didn't concur.

Bourne. Jane Bourne.

Angelina doesn't speak much in Salt, but if she did I bet she'd eventually get around to introducing herself as such. Because from the central identity crisis to trademark shaky-cam, Salt's very much in the mold of the Matt Damon adventures. But what it might lack in originality it more than makes up for in visceral thrills, as a few seconds after the credits it turns into a super solid thriller that's well worth watching.

The movie's centered around a mystery teased in the trailer and poster – is Evelyn Salt a spy, good guy, bad guy or all of the above? It takes several twists, turns and triple crosses to get that answer, and it whips along at a powerful pace that's energetic without being frantic. Jolie is terrific – more a force of nature than a character, but as she strides through her scenes all guns and cheekbones blaring, she totally dominates the screen.

There are sequel rumors rumbling, and even though it's not performing terribly well domestically, future stories are set up nicely and I hope we get the chance to check them out. See it on the big screen if you get a chance, but it would hold up at home as well. Don't let this Salt slip through your fingers – it'd definitely be bad luck.

There once was a dream called Inception

The director of the Dark Knight

Apparently only does right

While the top keeps spinning

Count Oscars it's winning

He should be the king of the night.

There once was a Twilight's Eclipse

While following books to the letter

These movies do keep getting better

Bella's much less nervous

The others will service

It works as a good table-setter

The "Twilight phenomenon" has proven remarkably review-proof. The books are a triumph of concept over execution, as Stephenie Meyer's prose is pedestrian at best and luridly over-the-top at worst, particularly in the final novel. The movies, however, improve as they go along – the first film was a digitally graded blue bore and the most recent release is a generally solid story.

That said, once you peel away the Team Edward/Team Jacob fervor, there's not a whole lot actually happening in this installment. The basic story concerns the Cullen's nemesis raising an army of newborn vampires in order to kill Bella, who's knee deep in a love triangle featuring a bloodsucker and a shapeshifter. Each of those threads is given appropriate attention and come to conclusion, but as the credits rolled I realized this one was of the few movies that I felt actually could've been longer. Plot points and backstories get touched on more than explored, so it all feels a little "lite."

There are a couple particularly odd elements, too – the vampire Jasper has unexpectedly evolved from a quivering weirdo to a swarthy Southern dandy. And while the series' vampires have always been described as incredibly strong and solid, it's somewhat weird to see their bodies break apart to reveal a powdery silver inner structure not unlike a shattered statue. Not that these ruin the movie or anything, I just didn't picture the villain as Victoria de Milo.

Eclipse basically serves to wrap up and set up – the love triangle loses a side and some life-altering (or ending) decisions get made. It features more action than the first two films, but don't expect Underworld-level wall-to-wall fight scenes; these movies will always be more about anguished choices and significant glances. And it does all these things pretty well. Is it worth a watch? Sure, if you're invested in the franchise. If a viewer walked into it cold, they'd likely be a little lost, but that could be said of the later chapters of most series.

I'm neither Team Edward nor Jacob – being, you know, a guy – but I can say I'm Team Twilight. With increasingly better directors and more natural performances, Eclipse is the best of the bunch so far... which hopefully bodes well for the upcoming Breaking Dawns.

There once was a Knight and a Day

There was a great shot in the preview

That guaranteed it would get my view

Though nobody's going

And reviews aren't glowing

I thought it was pretty good – it's true!

One doesn't often describe action movies as "cute," but Knight and Day turns out to be maybe the most adorable blockbuster ever. With one caveat... if you've got Tom Cruise issues, you'll hate this like Hudson Hawk.

Because even tho a bunch of stuff blows up real good, Knight and Day succeeds almost entirely on how much you like/dislike Cruise and Cameron. Despite his cults, couches and CGI doves, I still count myself as Team Tom, particularly when he's Les Grossman. And he's in full-on movie star mode here, all cocksure come-ons and badass poses. Cameron Diaz also plays basically an idealized version of herself, smiling thru a series of supercute costume changes – sometimes with a gun.

The plot basically amounts to one long chase scene, with the movie's MacGuffin being a perpetual fusion battery or some such thing. Peter Saarsgard's the rival spy who may or may not be the bad guy, depending on whether you think Cruise's character has gone insanely rogue or just wackily bullet-happy. None of it really matters – the fun of the flick is watching the leads play off each other, and they're clearly having a better time than they did in Vanilla Sky.

Part of what makes the movie works is James Mangold's offbeat direction – his resume (Walk the Line, Girl Interrupted) doesn't exactly scream "high-octane summer adventure" and watching him experiment with the format is entertaining in its own right. Some of the set pieces have a classic action movie soundtrack, while others are backed by light Italian classical tunes or jazzy spins on Harold Faltermeyer's Axel F. And the scenes themselves unfold almost languidly, giving the entire endeavor a slightly dreamy feel.

Here's the thing: if you break the movie down into its basic elements, there's not a ton of "there" there. But if you like the leads and are willing to go with it, the sum is definitely greater than the whole of its parts. So go ahead and embrace the excesses of big-time mainstream Hollywood moviemaking – despite the fact that America seems uninterested, I think it's worth a watch.

There once were 3 Stories of Toys

In the decade it's been since part two

The characters (and audience) grew

This tale of maturing

Is really quite stirring

Pixar's earned a great big "thank you."

I'll add my voice to the choir praising Pixar's first threequel – unlike other high-profile followups, this one more than lives up to the hype.

People praise kids' movies for "appealing to adults." Unfortunately, what that often ends up meaning is a bunch of snide jokes or easy parodies in the Shrek sequels – where Pixar excels is in making masterpieces that legitimately entertain the entire family. Because rather than offering up cheap pop-culture pot-shots, Pixar's delivered an unrivaled streak of spectacularly wonderful films that present evergreen themes under a shiny coat of CGI.

I won't recap the plot or share spoilers, but there's a moment in this movie where the overall theme of letting go becomes so sharply poignant that it elevates Toy Story 3 out of the "animation" category entirely. It's a lock for the Best Animated Picture win whenever the Oscars are next year, but based on the 2010 slate so far, it could be in contention for the real hardware. It's that good.

There once was some Sex and a City

This saga of stylish New Yorkers

Produced one film that was a corker

It made tons of money

And was pretty funny

But the sequel is more of a forker

Forker, as in "stick a fork in this franchise, it's done." Sex and the City 2 isn't the worst movie you've ever seen; frankly, it's not even as bad as the critics would have you believe. But it is almost completely irrelevant, and that's what kills it.

Over six seasons of the actual series, the stories of Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda were pretty well wrapped up, but the first film did a surprisingly skillful job of creating a next chapter that felt organic and important. The sequel is not that. Having brought their characters' story arcs to a fairly natural close, what else can you do to showcase their fabulous clothes? Send 'em on vacation, I guess.

Just that idea isn't necessarily a movie-killer, but where they go and how they do it comes close. Aside from the, um, let's say uncharitable viewpoint of the Middle East that the movie espouses, the real problem is that they're in Abu Dhabi at all. While the lead actresses get top billing, the City of Manhattan's a living, breathing co-star. Putting them at a seven-star resort, while allowing the filmmakers to live out their Bollywood fantasies, does take some of the teeth out of the proceedings.

There's a faint framing story about Carrie feeling a little too settled in her marriage, but the stakes never feel very high. The other husbands and boyfriends make token appearances, but there's no drama there either. Overall, the whole thing feels incredibly slight – bright and colorful with some fun to be found, but nothing that makes any impact once the credits roll. Which takes an incredibly long time, btw – this romp clocks in at almost two-and-a-half hours. The first film was similarly a bit bloated, but as they were trying to shove in complete stories for four characters, it was allowable. Here, when a lot of the movie boils down to "Balenciagas vs. Burquas" jokes, it seems somewhat indulgent.

Speaking of indulgence, there are two musical numbers too many. They're kind of indicative of the overall problem – it's one thing to see these women striving to succeed in the urban jungle of New York, but it's another thing to watch them wallow in decadence and opulence just for the hell of it. The sequel's tagline is "Carry On," but I fear that this movie may prevent that. It hasn't been well-received by critics or fans, and frankly hasn't made much money. And in any City, from Manhattan to Hollywood or even Abu Dhabi, that just might be the kiss of death.

Which is too bad, really – what began as the defining voice of a generation of women might go out on a note as ethereal as a champagne bubble.